Anger

I've struggled with anger throughout my life. Inevitably the process works like this: I do something that I think is helpful, and when I get a response that isn't what I would expect, I get angry.

Now, I'm not suggesting that if I do a good turn, the universe owes me good karma, I realize that life is brutally unconcerned with our wants and desires. Instead, I often look at situations like this as a lack of respect, and that can be controlled, so in my my mind, that can also be handled better.

Let me give you an example.

I love camping, but the woman I ended up with, who had told many stories of enjoying the outdoors had apparently decided that she used to love the outdoors, and not anymore. Okay, I get it, that can happen, it just fit into a neat, tidy pattern of similar situations. It felt as though she made all of the right comments, and set herself up as someone who she really wasn't.

Over the years, it became easier and easier to care less and less about her. Not just for the lies, but because of countless other experiences. Love is one of those things we all experience that can (under the right conditions) simply end, once and for all.

So I fell out of love with her, but felt compelled to stick around, maybe hoping things would get better, but knowing they wouldn't. I despise quitting, it translates as voluntary weakness in the huge majority of situations in my opinion. I despise Quitters, and I try my best to never quit, so as to avoid learning that quitting is easier, the more often you do it.

I knew the relationship was over for years before it really ended, and it wouldn't be fair to say that I was miserable for all of those years. I had glimmers of happiness, and maybe even occasional hopes that we could get back on track. The truth though, is that for each spark of hope, there were flames of unapologetic truth that we were never going to last together. We have a daughter together, and that played a huge role in my sticking around.

Last year, for the very first time in my entire life, I went camping, by myself. No friends, nobody nearby to possibly introduce myself to and maybe share a campfire. And I hoped it would be exactly as it turned out. The sound of the woods comes alive at night, for some I suppose it can be scary, but I've always considered myself the boogeyman in the woods, so I wasn't really worried.

Instead, I used those peaceful hours to quietly plan how I would quit this relationship that had aged me beyond my years. The plan was simple enough, make it through the holidays, and then sit down with her, and explain that we both had to accept that staying together only served as a convenience, it wasn't a relationship that revolved around mutual respect and love. I remember quietly sobbing in the darkness, and accepting that I was quitting, that I had a choice, and I had decided to give up.

That stung.

The following morning, I woke up, and in spite of not sleeping in my bed the night before, I was comfortable enough, but the morning brought with it a kind of full-body ache that I couldn't understand. In time, I understood that it was the stress that I had put on myself, working out these thoughts, and what the future would hold for me.

It made me dislike her even more.

I packed up camp for the most part, made some breakfast, and did a bit of fishing and decided to revisit my plans after the holidays, hoping beyond hope that something, maybe some kind of miracle would occur and we could make it all work out.

But as I cleaned the last of the campsite, and settled into my truck, with a kind of deep sadness that I'll never find the words to articulate, I knew that wasn't ever going to happen. The time to reconcile had long passed, we were just going through the motions and we both knew it.

I've never been great at relationships. I've never been with 'normal' women, and I am convinced I know that it's because being involved with someone 'normal' would make it that much more apparent how abnormal I am. Maybe it's a self-protection mechanism, that seems to make the most sense.

So as I drove home, my anger built, as has often happened throughout my life, angry at myself, angry at her, angry that life isn't fair. Just... Angry..

The end of the year came, and she left, I didn't need to sit down and have that talk, to end things, and in spite of that, I'm still upset at myself because while I could theoretically claim that I hadn't 'quit afterall' I knew that I had, it had just happened years earlier.

Someone very close to me has said 'You'll meet someone, you won't be alone for the rest of your life.' Maybe he's right, but I'm not looking for that. I know that the women I attract have issues, just like I have issues. They say wisdom can only come with age, and I suppose I agree with that, it's been my experience anyway. In this regard 'wisdom' tells me that I won't be happy with another broken woman, and that same wisdom tells me 'you wouldn't know how to be with someone that has their life together.' So in the meantime, I'll keep taking one day at a time, making the most of each day that I wake, not stressing about the past, because I can't change any of it, and not worrying about the future because it hasn't yet happened.

I read that, and it sounds almost pathetic, but I promise you, thats not the sentiment I'm trying to convey here, it's more unapologetic than anything else, is that some kind of self-defense thing? I honeslty don't know. But in spite of not having seen my Daughter in far too long, I have to admit, I've smiled more this year than in more years than I can remember. That confirms to me, that ending that relationship, regardless of how it ended, was the absolute best thing for me.

And sleeping? I haven't slept as good as I have this year in a very long time.